First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
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Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Interior design 👌
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon