First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
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My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts