@ZackBornstein: First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It's lovely.
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@MartaEffing: [first date] Me: *sees he owns a cat* Him: Are you a cat or a dog person? Me: *maintains eye contact* *pushes cat off the table* *leaves*
@therealeatwood: [Woods] SNOW WHITE: Oh, what a lovely little house! GOLDILOCKS: [in ski mask] Beat it, sister. I’ve been scoping this place out for weeks.
@OutOnTheMoors: Since my wish is to be cremated rather than buried, I'd like the legend on the urn to read: "Well done".