@vineyille: "First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO" - presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
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@TheAlexP: [1st date] *recalls buddy said women like a manly man* *but also, be sensitive* I like to work with my hands, But splinters make me cry.
@BlackCatBettie: What's faster than the speed of light? A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
@HomeProbably: I've received so many Christmas cards from people I don't know this year, probably because they weren't addressed to me.