“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
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*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints