@vineyille: "First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO" - presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
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@brianbowman73: Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS. I haven't run out of receipt yet.
@yobrah_: [describing criminal to sketch artist] His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
@NurseSeymour: Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
@CheryeDavis: I'm just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions...