*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
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Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.