@Ristolable: First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
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@vikkaroni: I'll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would've coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
@koalaslament: Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
@jctwritesstuff: Me: Yeah like that, baby. Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair* Me: *moans* Him: *growls* I'm gonna do so many-- Me: *snores, drools*
@jake_lach: <-----Will never confess the actual number of house cats he's forced outdoors when the owner wasn't looking