@BrandonVine: *pulled over by cop* Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired? *tags cop* Me: You're it! Cop: Me running away: Renewed!

@sucittaM: Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

@MarcusOreally: Christian Singles sounds like a Kraft product.

@murderbytweets: In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you're trying to explain directions to an old man.

@TheFearBoners: Forget the Home Alone parents forgetting their kid. Why the hell do they own a bunch of mannequins?