First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
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Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.