First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
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The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache