First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
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Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
the official breakfast of 2021
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
God has left this place
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken