[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
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teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
There’s always that one guy
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
all bases covered
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
My dog ate my work from home.