[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
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[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”