[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
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Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
we’re gonna need another temp
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.