what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
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imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.