women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
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Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot