Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
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HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I am having an out of money experience.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”