Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
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Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.