First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
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I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]