First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
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Jogging has never helped my memory.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
your elf on the shelf was delicious
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
“Sheer Arrogance”
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.