First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
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Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.