@aneesa_p: First rule of brown girl club: Don't wear pink & white striped shirts; you'll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
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@joeljeffrey: My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I dont get women.
@BlackJerms: At Twitter HQ J: Users haven't complained in a while, what's going on? Devs: Oh, we've got just the thing *releases update
@LizHackett: "Dammit. I had shit planned today." -- a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper