First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
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Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.