First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
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Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you