First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
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ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.