@craiguito: First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you're coming
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@robdelaney: Girl, are your legs tired? Cuz you were running through my dreams all night and you did some amazing parkour & also kicked a judge to death.
@theshamingofjay: I change Siri to a man's voice and now it doesn't answer any more questions and turns off for hours
@carlyken: You haven't truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.