Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
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never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
What the dentist sees
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.