First rule of flight club…no penguins.
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Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point