[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
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A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Friends that check up on you >
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
“i am a sweet baby”