I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
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All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I cannot call her anything else now
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.