[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
You Might Also Like
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon