First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
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Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.