[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
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I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
They’re not wrong
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved