Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
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me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.