First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
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i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
saving face 👀
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.