First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
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Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.