First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
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when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.