First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
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The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Not all heroes wear capes…
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”