First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
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Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement