First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
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No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I’m giving up ice.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.