I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
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Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.