First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
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“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Trains are just sideway elevators.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣