[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
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The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne