[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
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If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.