“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
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It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.