First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
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For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.