me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
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Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Mornin. * use accordingly
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”