First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
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Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
these two trucks have the same bed length
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
every college guy’s fridge