[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
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“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND