*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
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Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
*exercises sarcastically*
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.