{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
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If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant