[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
You Might Also Like
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Meow
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?