First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
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*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes