First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
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I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
My five year plan is a meteorite
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”