Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
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Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences