@VodkaThursday: First year my husband didn't give me some sort of sweet on our anniversary. I got roses. He thinks I'm fat. I know it.
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@KalvinMacleod: KIM JONG-UN: I'm banning sarcasm ME: well that's just great K: what? M: I reeeally hate sarcasm K: seize him...I think
@Underchilde: “There’s no use crying over spilt milk.” Unless you spill it on a winning Powerball ticket, then you should probably cry.
@juliussharpe: Cologne - because people shouldn't have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
@PaperWash: GF: I think I'm gunna start a Twitter account Me: *whips head around* I'll help you set it up! *Grabs GF's phone and hurls it into the Sun*