People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
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Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
She: I like Cats
He:
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.