If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
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i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Livid.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*